Sunday, July 8, 2007

Notable Studmeisters of the World Part 2

This is part two in a continuing series honoring studmeisters of the world

As I have mentioned previously here, I have been appointed Chief Studmeister of the Known Universe. I have in the past, and will do so again now, honor the lesser but still important studmeisters of the world. In part one, I talked about Wil Wheaton, Ken Masters of Street Fighter fame among others. Today we will start with Optimus Prime from the Transformers.

If you thought Optimus Prime’s only claim to fame was battling Megatron and the Transformers, you are grossly mistaken. On his home planet, Optimus is of course well know for his fight against evil. However, he is more well known for his sexual escapades. In fact, the war between the Autobots and Deceptions was caused, indirectly, by Optimus Prime’s cock. To make a long story short, Optimus Prime was getting a blowjob from this Autobot chick named Stella when Megatron walked in. Unbeknowst to Optimus, Stella and Megatron had gone out a few times in the last week; Megatron really liked her and was not happy about walking in on them. Megatron transformed into a gun and told Optimus he was going to blow a hole in his cock. Optimus pushed off Stella, leapt up and grabbed Megatron by the barrel and slammed him into the ground. Megatron started transforming back into a robot and Optimus stepped in and popped him right in the jaw. Megatron dropped to the ground, unconscious. Stella looked at Megatron lying on the ground, looked up at Optimus and proceded to bury her face in his lap. After he was done with Stella, Optimus filled up his tank again and that evening banged three other girls at the grad party. After that night, Optimus got a reputation as an ass-kicker and a ladies man.

The next honorable studmeister is Charlie Brown of Peanuts.

He is known as a bumbling pessimist, but when the lights dimmed, Charlie was all action. The reason Lucy kept fucking over Charlie with the football is that it got Charlie really worked up and the after football the sex would rough and raw – just the way that slut Lucy liked it. Charlie also banged every single other female in the cartoon. If that wasn’t enough, during a short Peanuts hiatus, he took a trip over the Dennis the Menace cartoon and fucked the hell out of Dennis’ mother.

Next we have Stephen Hawking, the famous physicist.

He is well known for two things: his brilliant mind and his physical disability. What most people don’t know though is that due to advances in robotic technology, Stephen could walk if he wanted to. Artificial limb technology progressed to the point that two prototype leg exoskeletons were made for Hawking. All of the preliminary testing was successful. The exoskeletons fit over his legs and they were controlled, unbelievably, by Hawkings’ mind. Hawking tried the legs and managed to walk. However, he soon realized the true potential of the artificial limbs. He asked the scientists to remove the exoskeletons from his legs and to reattach them to opposing side of his cock. After this was done, Stephen had a stiffy the likes of which the world has never seen before. One of the scientists was a young hottie researcher and Stephen nailed her right then and there. He didn’t stop there and proceeded to bang every single hottie scientist he could get his hands on. Hawking published an account of his sexual exploits in a bestselling book he titled “A Brief History of My Schlong.”


Finally, we have the Millennium Falcon.

There a ton of cool spaceships in movie history, but none of them got as much pussy and the Millennium Falcon. If you weren’t really paying attention, it is possible that you have seen the original Star Wars trilogy and did not notice that the Falcon was fucking anything that moved. I’ll talk about one example here today. In The Empire Strikes Back, there is the scene where the Imperial Cruisers are closing in on the Millennium Falcon and it looks like its fate is sealed. However, what happens is that Han Solo flies right up to the Imperial Cruiser, cuts it’s power and attaches the Falcon to the cruiser’s hull. The Imperial Cruisers can’t find it and it remains hidden. What you may not have know if you weren’t watching closely, is that the whole time the Millennium Falcon was attached it was nailing the Cruiser though an exhaust port. There was nothing the Cruiser could do about it except sit back and enjoy it. When the Falcon finally detached from the Imperial Cruiser, it left a huge blob of spaceship splooge on the hull and jumped into hyperspace. Mission accomplished.

Friday, July 6, 2007

Retarded, Non-Retarded and Very Retarded Flags of the World Part 10: Lithuania flags

This is the tenth installment in a continuing series of reviews of the flags of the world.

Unfortunately for Lithuanians, their country sucks. Without even looking at the flags you know it sucks. Why? Because Lithuania ends in 'ia' and any country that ends in those two vowels sucks. Don't believe me? Well here are a few: Estonia, Latvia, Croatia, Syria, Tibia and Chlamydia. These countries all suck ass. Well, maybe a decent flag or two can save the day for Lithuania.


First up we have the flag of the town of Balbieriskis:
A boat sitting on a bunch of rocks. This is fucked. Dudes, if you don't have any water, your boats won't fucking work. Put some water back in your ocean or take a fucking taxi you twats.



This is the flag of Joniskis:
This town fucking rocks. The dudes in Joniskis are so fucking hardcore they commute by dragon. That is fucking awesome. No shitty Dodge Neons for these guys. Also, if you look closely enough, you can see that the dragon isn't too happy about the arrangement and is giving the driver dude some backtalk. Some guys in some lesser towns would talk to the dragon, try and reach a compromise with the dragon, maybe sign the dragon up in the dragon union etc etc. The guys in Joniskis, however, are different. Do they care if the dragon isn't happy? Not a goddamn bit. The guy on the flag is so pissed off it look like he is going to give the dragon an shit-kicking. Awesome.


This is the coat of arms of Kernave.
You have a soldier dude standing in the doorway protecting the castle. Protecting the castle from what I ask? The fucking thing is falling apart. Who is going to invade your shitty castle when half the wall is gone? Get your asses down to Home Depot, pick up some bricks and fix the goddamn thing. If Bob Villa saw what shape your castle was in he would probably cut off your cock with a band saw. Lazy fucks...


This is the flag of Bartninkai.

Obviously this town has some fucking awesome narcotics. The bear is so fucking high that is he is imagining that he is dancing with a bunch of insects. Not only does this town has some awesome drugs, but they have such an abundant supply that they can share it with the animals. Shrooms for the bears, acid for the squirrels, a little coke for the neighborhood cat etc. The SPCA in this town must be the shit. Awesome.


Finally we have the coat of arms of Betygala:


Some chick must be the mayor of Betygala or the whole town is ghey. Why else would you have the female reproductive system on your flag? And the drawing is shit - the ovaries look like goddamn nuts. Jesus Christ...

Ninja Shinichi update.

Ninja Shinichi has a post about ongoing problems with his family here.

Wednesday, July 4, 2007

Honorable mention studmeisters

As I told you here, I have been recently named Chief Studmeister of the Known Universe. I am, without a doubt, deserving of the title. However, there are a number of lesser studmeisters that do not receive the recognition they deserve. I feel it is my civic duty to make sure they get the attention that they are due given their services rendered to the females of the world.

First up is Wil Wheaton/Wesley Crusher. Wil Wheaton is most known for playing Wesley Crusher on Star Trek the Next Generation. It may seem strange to talk about both the actor and the character but it in this case it makes complete sense. According to his friends, Wil Wheaton used to be a shy, reserved kind of guy. However, after his run on Star Trek as ensign Wesley Crusher he was a changed man. The true character of Wesley Crusher was known only to the diehard Star Trek fans who got hold of the special edition "adult" version of Star Trek that Gene Rod'n Two Berries put out (read more here). In the adult version, Welsey spent more time banging the crew (and the intergalactic hotties) than he did working on the bridge. He became a legend when in one episode he took two Klingon chicks into a broom closet on Ten Forward and banged them rotten. He nailed them so hard the Enterprise had a warp core breach.

Wil Wheaton was obviously tremendously influenced by the character he played. When there is a Star Trek convention, most of the other actors are busy giving speeches, signing autographs, selling books etc. Wil, however, spends the whole time in a private suite clothed in nothing but purple nipple tassels and a tribble. He spends the whole time "entertaining" all of the super hot trekkie chicks that always show up at Star Trek conventions.
Wil's sexual escapades have become so well known in the Star Trek community that he now has a new nickname: Wil "The Drill" Wheaton.


Next up we have Curious George.


This cute little monkey is known by children everywhere for his curiosity (duh), charm and propensity for getting into all sorts of hijinks. When the sun goes down though and the jungle gets dark, this cute little monkey transforms from Curious George to Cunningulus George. Needless to say, George is very, very, very popular with the ladies of the jungle. According to legend, George owes his fantastic oral skills to the maluwaga fruit. The maluwaga fruit is covered in spines and most monkeys won't bother with it as it takes a considerable amount of effort to get to the fruit without poking your tongue on one of the spines. Curious George, however, loves maluwaga fruit and the skills he learned getting the fruit and avoiding the spines seemed to have done him well when it come to oral sex. The lion may be king of the jungle, but the ladies would choose George any day of the week.



The third honorable mention studmeister is Ken Masters. You may not know the name, but you probably know him to see him:

Yes, Ken Masters is a character from Street Fighter. Why is he a studmeister you ask? Well, he was locked up in an arcade game with a whole bunch of other guys and there was only one chick in the bunch, Chun Li.


Chun Li was really fucking hot and she could have had any guy in the arcade she wanted. She turned down Mario, Pac Man, and a slew of others and only said yes to Ken. While Mario was jumping down pipes and Pac Man was running away from ghosts, Ken Masters was busy nailing Chun Li. The only time they weren't fucking like rabbits is when someone dropped in a quarter into a Street Fighter game and chose Ken or Chun Li. When it was Ken vs. Chun Li, and you watched close enough, you might have caught Chun Li giving Ken a little tug once in a while. Sweet.

Meth is a hell of a drug...

DJ Stubblejumper update.

DJ Stubblejumper has a new post about a new love interest on the farm here.

Tuesday, July 3, 2007

DJ Stubblejumper update.

DJ Stubblejumper has a new post about a friend's hydroponic weed operation here.

Photography 101. Lesson #2: lines and shapes

It is time for lesson two in the ongoing series on the fine art of photography. Today we will be examining the use of lines and shapes in photography. First of all, lets have a look at lines. In photography, straight horizontal lines indicate calmness and tranquility - like how a hottie feels after I bang her. Vertical lines imply motion and speed - i.e. my turbocharged self-lubricating pelvis. Diagonal lines give a feeling of imbalance, instability and action - very similar to what I feel every time I have group sex with Romanian midget gymnasts on my waterbed. Curves lead the eye through the photo and they represent calmness, safety and sexuality - just like my taint.

As for shapes, circles and squares are static, while rectangles and triangles are active. Now enough of the technical jargon and lets look at some photos.


Here is a photo by some dude named Ansel Adams.


There is a curve (the river) here that runs from bottom right to top left. Your eye can't help but follow the curve. But, there is a significant problem here. Where does the curve lead? To the left of the photo. What's there? We don't have a fucking clue. Why? Because Mr. Ansel Fucking Adams decided to crop it out.There could be huge Swedish flight attendant gangbang going on at the riverside or maybe there is some hot caribou on caribou action in the forest but we don't know about it because it's not in the photo. Nice going Ansel you fuckface.

Next we have a famous photo by Robert Capa:


What is this shit? Almost no lines, no shapes, nothing. And it's all out of focus and grainy as hell. Yeah, I know the photo was shot on D-Day but so fucking what? I was watching a History Channel today about Pearl Harbor and I was drinking a coke and you didn't see my hands shaking. Suck it up bitch and take a decent goddamn photo.

Next we have a photo by Edward Weston:



When you first see the photo with all of triangles and vertical and diagonal lines you are temped to join the legions of Weston fans who say this is a great photo. WRONG. This photos sucks ass. Why? Because the model is totally naked but you can't see a goddamn thing. No tits, no nipples, no pubes. What kind of an asshole photographer does that?

Weston, you suck. And if you didn't bang the chick after you took the photo you are a complete fuckmunch. Dickhead.


Next up we have this photo:


It is obviously a goddamn fucking masterpiece. I don't think we need to talk about shapes or lines here as this photo transcends mere technical details. When we are confronted by a work of genius such as this, all you need to do is sit back and appreciate the brilliance of the photographer. Either that or whack off until your balls are dry.

Ninja Shinichi update.

Ninja Shinichi has a new post here about the problems Japanese ninjas are having in a lackluster Japanese economy.

Monday, July 2, 2007